I often find myself in what Meg and I refer to as my Deep Dark Place (by way of biographical information, I should tell you that I must capitalize the name of the aforementioned Location because said Location demands personification)
The Deep Dark Place (hereafter referred to as DDP) is a pit of self-loathing and self-doubt. DDP is the archenemy of every narcissus --- of which I am one, thank you very much --- and every narcissus reading this knows what I am talking about.
DDP is that crippling, debilitating sense of inner turmoil that gnaws at my every victory and scorns my every defeat. In my highest moments, DDP is there to remind me of my lowest depths. When working to better myself, DDP looks me in the mirror and points out my flaws. DDP is villainous in his pursuit of my every confident thought.
Now, some might say that DDP is just my coping mechanism, nothing more than a healthy sense of humility that should be directed in a more positive and constructive manner; others might add that DDP is a sinful outpouring of my out-of-control ego, easily defeated with a repentant turn. Yet, while both solutions may be inherently true, these cursory dismissals fail to capture the complexity of my soul, the breadth of my humanity.
In short, DDP is the yawning chasm whose hellish teeth are chomping to devour the very essence of who I am.
(This is the darkness in me that my poor wife has to live with, people. Sorry, Meg)
And yet... I know better.
I am a failure, and yet...
I know that I have victory through Christ.
I am a loser, and yet...
I have overcome by the blood of the Lamb.
I hate my reflection in the mirror, and yet...
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
I fear losses at every turn, and yet...
I see the Lord's Providence miraculously provide.
I feel aimless in my life, and yet...
I have a destiny.
I feel alone, and yet...
I am surrounded by loving family and friends.
I despise Time and the passing of my life, and yet...
I know that God commands my days.
I am disquieted, and yet... still... always...
I hope in God.
Shoot! I must be a narcissus as well...never knew that until just now.
ReplyDeleteGee - thanks Dallas.
On a series note: Awesome summary. Thoughtfully constructed, beautifully written, and (most significantly) unquestionably and assuredly true!
love you. I understand.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jeffrey's serious note. You are in great company, Martin Luther, John Calvin, the Apostle Paul, King David and a whole host of others who loved our Lord and served Him also struggled with the same thoughts. Aren't you glad we can depend a little less on our counseling methods and a lot more on His Word for comfort. Love to all three of you!
ReplyDeletePam Greer
Dallas,
ReplyDeleteYour pain is temporary and God will show truth alone, when you hear Him. Problem is, it is always in His timing and He knows exactly how to keep us, encourage us, love us through to the answer we think we need. Actually, all we really need is His presence and a willingness to pour our life out for His Kingdom. Problem is, I know no one who is totally willing to do that. We will always need HIM ALONE.
In all of this - though you may not have considered it and I know that you may be a playwrite - I hear, I see a novelist. Have you thought such?
LU
Darnell
Love. Love. Love. So grateful to be on this journey with you, DDP & all.
ReplyDeleteWell said Megan. Love to you Dallas. We all have a DDP.
ReplyDelete