I feel that I must divulge more info to you about the DDP.
I'm unsure that I have made clear to you the stark reality of this emotional chasm.
I've been in this state for weeks now, actually a month.
(Please pray for Meg...she is over it.)
The problem with my DDP is that it is an overwhelming place of second-, triple-, and even quadruple-guessing my thoughts, motivations, faith, problems, weaknesses, etc., etc., etc.
Please understand: this is more than just melancholy thoughts of "oh-what-a-bad-day-woe-is-me" nonsensical thinking that is brushed away by a single prayer or a good comedy movie.
Also, it's more than just an adult version of a temper-tantrum.
It's a brutal place of spiraling brokenness from which there is no easy repentance nor easy escape.
The DDP is a continual descent from plateau to plateau, each one caused by the other.
The cycle is vicious, and I have a hard time breaking it.
This DDP journey, in particular, has been especially brutal.
Here is how the spiral works for me:
I begin to self-doubt --- talents, abilities, destiny, future, whatever it may be.
Then, my self-doubt spirals into self-loathing because "I KNOW BETTER!"
Then, my self-loathing spirals further into self-accusations.
Self-accusations such as,
"Dallas, you should know better."
"Dallas, you have so little faith!"
"Dallas, you've been here before...haven't you learned your lesson yet?!"
Then, the spiral takes me to a deeper place.
From self-accusation to self-hatred.
Self-hatred leads to thoughts such as:
"Well, this is why you're still here because you are faithless."
"No wonder God has yet to utilize you... it is because your personal character is lacking."
"You are the worst human being alive!"
Then, the self-hatred spirals into self-indulgence.
I just want to sleep. Lay around. Not do anything creative.
I stress easily. I anger more easily. I spiral deeper and deeper.
Worship is hard.
Bible-reading is painful.
Prayer is nearly impossible.
My imminent God, whom I love dearly, seems so distant.
The dark night of my soul continues as my energy plummets from all of my in-fighting.
The cave around me darkens.
My nails are crusted with mud and dirt from clawing at the walls of my soul.
Then, the self-hatred spirals further into self-abhorrence.
None of my tricks, my lifelines such as prayer and worship, are working.
I try and get creative, knowing that creativity such as writing usually works for me.
This time, it doesn't. The rope of creativity is too short as well.
Plus, I have no energy to pull myself up creatively... I've been fighting for too long.
And the self-abhorrence continues because "I should be more mature than this!!"
There are so many billions of people in worse situations than me. I have no right to act like this.
"Dallas, you are so selfish, so indulgent, so weak. You puny, tiny, little man!!!"
I've been in a passionate relationship with Christ for the better part of my life.
My spiritual maturity should allow me to pull myself up from my proverbial boot-straps; and I should, by faith, be able to walk out of this DDP cave and into the glorious light of my salvation. RIGHT???!!!
Wrong. That thought just makes me feel worse.
My failings as a flawed human, coupled with my failings as a redeemed Christian, cause me to spiral further.
Self-abhorrence spirals into self-detestation.
The scary part is: I'm not sure what lies beneath self-detestation, but I fear that I may soon find out.
I know there are no words with which to comfort you. This is a lonely journey. Even my own account of the dark night of my soul can hold no hope for you (and it came AFTER I got the kids back).
ReplyDeleteThe idea that there is hope slips though the fingers. When it is gone it is as if it never existed. Is there a bottom? You would not believe my answer.
When the darkness consumes you… as the despair tightens its stranglehold… when you have been flayed and seemingly left for dead… only one thing remains… And He is enough.
I am praying for you my friend.
Oh the seasons of the soul! Never easy to endure and seem to be never ending, but in actuality and in light of eternity quickly fleeting. I'm so sorry to hear you're walking through this but know that our Love and prayers are with you and your little family. He will bring you to even better places on the other side. LOL
ReplyDeleteWow! Lies, and despair, they do have a father. And they only do what they see their father doing. Truth has a father and he only does what he sees his father doing.
ReplyDeleteOne of our enemy’s tactics is he will sow lies in our thought life and then accuse you of thinking such things. He will whisper “please keep watering those seeds I sowed”. He has an endless supply of accusations.
I have heard it said that when we continue to think about what God has not done for or through us, that is, self examination, it usually leads us to spiral down deeper and deeper. Let’s face it there is not a lot of great stuff to look at inside. But as we change our focus on to what he has done for us and what he is going to do we become encouraged and filled with hope, and we know who the author of hope is.
Romans 15:13 He is “the God of hope.” Not just I hope things will be better tomorrow hope, but incredible, amazing, radical, mind-boggling, ridicules hope!!
I heard this amazing quote yesterday from Graham Cooke speaking about incredibly difficult and seemingly impossible situations: “What is it that God wants to be for you now that he couldn’t be for you at any other time”
Dallas you are an incredible person that God will use to reap vengeance upon the enemy of your soul that will set multitudes free! You see, the enemy is smart, but on the other hand he’s kinda stupid. God’s goodness will prevail and overwhelm you.
Ok so this is not a reply filled with deep thought, just this....Dallas don't be so hard on yourself. You just went through a great loss, your precious grandfather. Jim and I miss him terribly and we can't imagine the grief you must feel. Let up on yourself, allow yourself some time to grieve. We have a whole eternity ahead of us to do all we were created to do, in this life or the next...relax take a deep breath and give yourself a hug from Jim and Dee. We are so proud of you! You have not disappointed us or anyone else. Jim says that lint will always be in your belly button so don't examine it so closely!
ReplyDeletePhilippians 2:13 - "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure"...apart from God's grace you cannot even will to do what is right. A truth both humbling and scary.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to humanity,
ReplyDelete"fallen humanity". We are spared nothing in this world that comes our way(according to His plan). We hope, we pray and yet we all bow our knee to the Master and His plans. So even if He takes you to the edge of death, " for even your life is not your own, it has been purchase with a great price."
It would seam that we walk in quiet desperation (not really) it just feels like it. So know this that your life no matter what, still remains in His hands. We thing we are in control but God knows better. If God needed glasses I would be concerned, but He sees allot further down the road and more accurately than we could imagine.
So even in the low places there are such marvelous things for you to see. At least enjoy the journey that He has set before you (as best as you can). You will see all that He has in store for you in this cave. Think of David when he found King Saul in the cave, he did received a great revelation there.
I am praying for you and yours so that you can see that, feeling, thoughts and beliefs all must bend there knee to the truth, His truth. God bless you D.
Hey we Love you no matter where you are! I ditto the remarks of Jim R. and you have had so many alteration in your life, the movie, your grandfather, your new son, all that you want to be! There are so many pulls on your life that rope feel like a friend and pressure is the norm. Have confidence in God, He will get you through. Love Cindy & David
ReplyDeleteBut God! He takes us to the end of ourselves....and sometimes keeps going.....you are very precious for Him to sustain you through the DDP. I have no doubt in His plan for you and Megan although these times stink...some how, some way, we get through them to see the amazing love He has for us on the other side. Intimacy is coming again... He's coming Dallas!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHey bro. Dave here.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna have to email mine, because it was too many characters. :)
Thanks for your transparency. I pray that God will have mercy on you. I think what you're experiencing is pretty normal for an authentic Christian. Joy may seem out of reach, but I can see from your words that the seeds of it remain in you. Remember that you're not alone. God hasn't let go of you. You actually have a lot to be thankful for, don't you? Give up on looking within for help and fix your thoughts on Jesus. Also, I would encourage you to not overlook the physical as you struggle emotionally and physically. Watch your diet and exercise. Get plenty of sleep, if possible. If these feelings persist, talk to a medical doctor that you trust. Sometimes there are physical causes for melancholy and depression. Most of all, may God have grace and mercy upon you.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite lines in a script is from the movie "Solaris": "There are no answers, only choices." OK, I know, there are some answers. God is the source of all things. We who are in Christ will rise to be with him in fellowship for eternity - an eternity that began when we said "yes" to him (a choice by the way). But for us Christians, these become answers to the big questions that don't seem to matter much over time. We want answers to questions like, "why am I not where you let me believe I'd be", "why did you give me these dreams to end up where I am", "why do I not feel as special as the person I see raised up before me", "why am I not happy", "why am I suffering", and on and on. Answers to these questions, the questions of our day to day life in this world, are in the mind of God. I believe they are wrapped up in the otherness of his plan - beyond our understanding and comprehension. And so another choice is set before us - to trust or not to trust. Sometimes this choice is fraught with misgivings and doubt, but he's gracious and faithful, bringing strength to our weakness. So I like the line because it reminds me of what it's like to live in this fallen world, longing to see his face and know the fullness of his glory and presence, yearning for all things to be complete, joining the earth in her groans to see the final manifestation of his kingdom. But we are still in the "not yet". And there are many, many mysteries yet to unfold. And our life, in one way or another (and I believe there is always an "another" no matter who you're talking about), is not as comfortable and quick as we wanted it to be.
ReplyDeleteSo it comes down to choices. We chose Christ. Praise him for calling us out. We choose to trust. Praise him for forgiving our faithlessness. Most choices are minor, but some he places before us as opportunities. Those of us who hear his voice recognize these. There is a weight to them. They are not always big in appearance. It may be an opportunity to say "no" to a temptation. It may be an opportunity to say "yes" one more time to a hardship that you've longed to be rid of. Each life has it's own. But in the end, that is our only power. To say "yes" or "no" to God.
We really are powerless to change our context. I've come to believe that this idea that we can just grit our teeth, double down, and press on to achieve our dreams is a deceit. There's far more to it than that. If we say "yes" to God, then our efforts may take us through alleys, down roads, and through valleys we did not expect. This is where we need to be careful about discerning his voice - saying "yes" to his guidance.
Many who appear to succeed have chosen their own way, saying "no" to God. Choosing rather to use their energies to achieve their dreams despite God's leading. I believe they have said "no" on many of those opportunities and may find themselves in a place of success (in the eyes of the flesh) but are nowhere near where God really wants them to be.
...continued from previous.
ReplyDeleteYou know how much I go through what you're experiencing. In the end, I have to say "yes" to him. I have to trust that he will take me to the best possible place. And yes, if it takes the rest of my life on this earth, it is worth it. Because in the end, I know he will look at me and say, "well done, good and faithful servant." And I will be the person he wants me to be at the end of this earthly journey.
Dallas, I am confident that you will continue to say "yes". Nothing you're going through is bad. It is part of the process and therefore I say that it is good. Hey, I'd love to be rich, great looking, recognized for amazing talent, confident, and totally assured of my path. But even as I say that I know that the vision that accompanies those descriptors is a deception and is not the sculpture that God is working with his hands.
Take it in Dallas. You're search for the true and absolutely real is worth it. Continue to be merciless in your identification of the false. Continue to uncover the glory of His reality and kingdom. I feel like I'm on the journey with you too and am glad of it.
Mike
Oh, and BTW, he let's us say "no" a lot. He let's us fall down, throw tantrums, fill our diapers, spit out our food, scream and cry, hold our breath, and every other infantile behavior we can muster. He is infinitely patient to give us many, many, many, opportunities to say yes to the same question(s).
ReplyDeleteSo let yourself go through this. Yell at him if you want. Yell at yourself if you want. Only at some point - during and after - give ear to the voice of your spirit and the Holy Spirit together, calling you back to peace in his arms. You're OK.
That's all.
Mike
I'm so sorry you're hurting...I love you and I understand! There are just some places we go that feel very lonely. It's just you in that place no matter what words others say to comfort. Then, there is a moment in which God will draw near. In that instant, His face will consume your vision. I'm praying for that intimacy with your Creator to suddenly overwhelm you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. This is my exact thought process when I'm in my own DDP...refreshing to see someone else verbalize it so accurately.
ReplyDelete